Throughout my high school career, one thing that has remained constant is my lack of strong relationships with my classmates and teachers. Although I participated in clubs and made a few friends, none of those bonds are especially close, and will likely drift apart after high school.
Ever since all my middle school friends went to Lowell, I’ve struggled to make new friends in a completely new environment, made infinitely more difficult due to distance learning. Originally, my friends all applied to Lowell because they had siblings there and for convenience’s sake since they all lived nearby, except me. At the time, it felt alienating and incredibly upsetting, especially considering how I had been with those friends for 8 years. I felt an inexplicable sense of betrayal, even though my rational side told me it would be unreasonable to ask over 6 people to attend my high school of choice over theirs. To add to my frustration, I was also dissuaded from applying to Lowell by my parents despite my efforts to convince them.
Although I felt defeated, since I knew I wouldn’t be attending the same high school as my friends, I began cherishing the remaining days we hung out together more, up until COVID hit. This was a devastating blow, requiring us to stay indoors. In the first few weeks, we talked actively and FaceTimed often, talking about mundane things. Although we couldn’t hang out in person, I greatly enjoyed these talks. But at some point, the conversations suddenly died down and the group chats we used became silent. At that point, I was perplexed and disappointed, questioning why and sending messages only to be met with more silence. As this went on, I too stopped checking the group chats, realizing I would only be met with disappointment. In the end, we completely drifted apart and haven’t spoken since.
During my freshman year, I wondered how I would even be able to make new friends. Nobody seemed invested in the classes or open to communicating with one another because of online learning. In fact, it was hard to get anyone to type in the chat, let alone unmute their mics to speak. Most of the time, when teachers broke us up into groups, there would be ensuing silence in the chatrooms. Even though the lack of communication was frustrating, I felt it would be awkward to try to force a conversation.
To my surprise, despite this, I became friends with someone in my English class, Jheremy. After being put together for a group project, we shared contact information and chatted, realizing we both had a shared interest in art and Genshin Impact, a game that was trending at the time. I was ecstatic at the time to connect with someone, especially considering how I was stuck at home all day.
But even so, we never engaged beyond simple conversation. Our short-lived friendship was based on the few interests we shared, and after exhausting the topics, I would end up racking my brain struggling over what to talk about. At the time, I was hopeful to at least have a friend to hang out with going into sophomore year, but while I returned to in-person learning the following year, Jheremy continued online learning. Perhaps because it was a friendship that abruptly started online, it ended just as abruptly, and we both stopped speaking to one another.
Sophomore year marked my return to in-person learning. The thought of physically being at a new campus with new teachers coupled with the fact that it was the first day of school made my nervousness skyrocket. But my nervousness seemed to be for naught. Everyone else seemed just as awkward as I was, and everyone had to spend some time getting used to in-person learning again. Because of my lack of participation in class, I didn’t build any relationships with teachers.
Despite my introversion, I got to know some classmates, once again sharing socials and talking a bit outside of class, but we only had shallow friendships, talking casually. I yearned to grow closer to someone, but it often felt like I was intruding into others’ friend groups.
Sophomore year was also when I joined the art club because of my interest in art and my hopes of finding a community with people who shared my interests, but nothing fruitful came of it. Although I regularly went to the meetings, I didn’t know the club members very well.
In my junior and senior years, I spent my days in monotony, the remaining period going by uneventfully. I admit this was in part due to my own reluctance to reach out to others to hang out, as I felt our friendship wasn’t strong enough to meet up outside of class. Others also seemed to have already formed friend groups with people from previous years or familiar faces from middle school. This added to my loneliness, so I instead turned to the online world, making friends there rather than at school.
My lack of friendships was also a major factor that contributed to the reason why I decided not to go to prom. Although it was regrettable, I felt that it would be pointless since I wouldn’t have anything to do there or anyone to go with, nor would I make any significant memories.
Looking back, I would’ve liked to have made a few friends I could genuinely bond with and accompany, maybe even going to college together. My high school experience was certainly not the most satisfying, and I spent most of it feeling as if I was alone amongst a sea of people. Having a close-knit friend group would have made my high school experience much more exciting, and allowed me to make fond memories at Galileo.
As I make my departure from the school as a senior, I have to say that I’m definitely disappointed, more in myself than others. My years here were mundane, and if I could go back, I would enhance my experience at the school by trying to reach out and being more open with others.
